March 2023: Three Years In...

If you follow this blog regularly you know that my goal is to get out a new post at the start of every month. So... March has definitely "marched" along at a quick pace and kept me busy. I'm glad to finally catch my breath and post several different things I've enjoyed and used with clients recently.

Maybe because we're hitting the 3-year mark on the official start of the pandemic, you will detect a bit of a theme here in my recommendations (SO MANY emojis!)... So much of what my clients are seeking to manage relates to day-to-day pressures in both personal and professional life and how to maintain some level of stamina emotionally, mentally, socially and spiritually. I hope you find them valuable!

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😳 Why being a highly sensitive person could be your greatest personal asset. I am often contacted by clients who need some insight on how to manage their anxiety, stress and emotions. They wonder if they are depressed, or have issues with anxiety, or might even be neurodivergent (OCD, ADHD, autism, dyslexia, among others). Fundamentally, they do not know where to begin! I want to be clear that I am NOT a trained therapist or social worker; all I can do is share (anonymously) what other clients have discovered along the way, and give some options in terms of getting the help they need. Out of these conversations, I have several #coaching clients who have found the description of "highly sensitive person" extremely helpful for the way they observe and process people and processes. Check out this article about its advantages. And if you are curious to learn more, go to hsperson.com. Even if this doesn't apply to you, you may have someone you work with or care about come to mind.

😈 Do you have an "inner critic"? On the heels of the recommendation I just listed, I want to add this one. I’ve used this link with several clients in the past few weeks, which qualifies it for a recommendation here. For those with high Restorative, Achiever, Responsibility or Deliberative in #StrengthsFinder, dealing harshly with yourself may be an ongoing challenge for you. As the article states, "We all know this voice in our head that constantly criticizes, belittles, and judges us... Our inner critic can be a cruel and deeply damaging force. Its strength and impact determine our overall mental wellbeing. The destructive voice in our heads is never satisfied and can soil and spoil anything we may achieve, no matter how impressive." If any of this sounds familiar, take some time to check out the many resources available on this link.

😃 Happiness in America, Part 1: The Secret to a “Good Life,” According to an 80-Year Study. I enjoyed this discussion of a longitudinal study at Harvard. Super fascinating - it certainly makes me interested in knowing and learning more, and talks about all the stuff I care about most: #meaning, #purpose, #resilience.

😫How to Manage Anxiety after a Layoff. Great direction on how to #journal to avoid #catastrophizing when dealing with something difficult like a #layoff. I have a boatload of journaling prompts also available if you need them.

🤔 Making decisions, seeking approval. Quite possibly my favorite #newsletter, by #OliverBurkeman. Take a few moments to consider how much you look for #approval from others when #makingdecisions.

🧒🏽 30 Questions to Ask Your Child Beyond "How Was Your Day?" I am always quick to provide questions for team conversations and relationship building in the workplace, but I have neglected to provide questions for just as important a cohort of people, children and teens (and maybe all the other people in your life?!) Try these out.

As always, thanks for taking the time to read through these... feel free to reach out with questions or feedback at kelly.soifer@ksleadershipdevelop.me. 

December 2022: Gearing Up for What's Ahead

I cannot say that I will miss 2022. It was a rough year for a lot of people: more COVID, Mpox, RSV, war in Ukraine, layoffs, inflation, political tensions... for me, it was dominated by a severely broken ankle in May from which I am still recovering. The word of the year is apparently gaslighting. Bleah. My personal word of the year is physical therapy. Bleah again.

Sadly, we felt the same buh-bye feelings about 2021... 2020... so I'm cautiously (skeptically? tentatively? desperately?) optimistic for better news in 2023. In the meantime, I encourage us all to do some reflecting in these dark, cold winter days. I find it so important every year to take some time to pull the lens back and look back over my calendar, my journal, and world events in the past year and get my bearings for the one to come.

So my first recommendation builds on that idea, and then I throw in some other ones that sparked conversations with clients and fodder for new presentations. Tell me what you think!

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✍🏾 Journaling Prompts. As I have shared more than once here, I am a massive fan of journaling. Personally, I use Evernote, having given up on writing things down years ago because I ran out of room in my condo to store all the #@(#& journals. But I also found, in talking with many clients, that they often have earnest desires to journal but are quickly stalled with the pressing question of "What do I journal about?" So here I am with a multitude of prompts, links and opportunities. And I want to put a special endorsement on the prompts I've collected from Esther Perel, a therapist who has intriguing podcasts and whose interviews I have enjoyed. I think these might be just what you need to spark some energy to journal on a deeper level. You may want to bookmark this journal prompts link because I update it relatively regularly. Just do it!!

😡 What is Emotional Labor? I find the correct concept of emotional labor to be very helpful especially when working with clients who are customer-facing. Across the board, I am hearing from those clients that interactions escalate quickly when there is any sort of frustration, and that they are not equipped to deal with the barrage of anger and antagonism. Furthermore, it creates massive stress because they are not able to respond in kind (nor should they). But that is remarkably taxing and that has caused some significant churn within the workplace – it feels like someone is always quitting out of exhaustion and frustration and those remaining are having to adjust to new people and more onboarding. Further content can be found here: The Concept Creep of Emotional Labor and The Power of Non-Anxious Presence. Bottom line: we have got to learn how to settle down interpersonal communication in every area of our lives: family, friends, colleagues, customers. Closing in on 3 years of challenging world events has worn us down and made us more reactive and less resilient. Let's work together in 2023 to regain some patience, generosity and civility.

🛑 Urgency Doesn't Exist. Frequent readers know I am a massive fan of Oliver Burkeman, who wrote my favorite book of 2022, 4000 Weeks: Time Management for Mortals. I stalk him a bit online and subscribe to his newsletter. This link on urgency was a great reminder. Please read the entire post (don't worry, it's not long), but may this little quote tease you: "The first and most obvious sense in which urgency isn’t what it seems is that virtually none of the things that generate that knot-in-the-stomach feeling are the matters of life-or-death we tend to assume." Exactly.

💬 Cringe quiz: Are you fluent in Gen-Z office speak? Gearing up to teach another course in January to college seniors, along with my work with some under-25 clients and heck, communicating with my 22 and 24 year old niece and nephew, I took this #genz quiz. Good luck! (PS I got 4 out of 6 right... but I doubt I really get it.)

☮️ Wellbeing at Work? I like this new trend toward #wellbeingatwork. Sadly, I am not convinced that it will continue though... Favorite quote: "The equation is simple: The greater the wellbeing of your employees, the greater the wellbeing of your organization. That’s not just good for your employees; it’s good for your business." #culture #employeeengagement

👯‍♂️ Body Doubling. This may be an unfamiliar term to you -- it's certainly new to me. But for my clients who are #neurodivergent, this has proven helpful. For those who might struggle with focus, self-motivation, or executive function (prioritizing), body doubling can provide some assistance in remaining on task. As the article states, "You can body double in person, over the phone, via video chat, or even through text. The knowledge that someone is 'present' and aware that you are doing the task is intended to increase motivation and follow-through." Sort of like studying with a reliable friend in college. Try it out?

I hope you and yours get some good space to rest and restore some sense of hope and purpose for the new year. Thank you as always for reading -- feel free to pass it along to someone else. Reach out to me with questions or feedback at kelly.soifer@ksleadershipdevelop.me. Buh-bye 2022!

April 2022: Endurance

Last month I noted that the intense nature of these last two years feel more like ten years on most days. Watching this horrific war unfold in Ukraine has only intensified the weight of the challenges we are seeing and experiencing. 

In multiple conversations with clients last week, I used the remarkable events at this year's Oscars (which already has its own Wikipedia page!) as a metaphor for what it feels like is going on everywhere: difficulties and conflicts seem to escalate to 11 immediately, which tells me that we are each fraying at the seams. We are exhausted emotionally, and now have little bandwidth for anything unwanted or unexpected. Given the content of what I am talking about with clients these days, I am certainly seeing that. My last recommendation for this month's post speaks to what we need to seek after as we press on.

With all of that in mind, I found these resources most helpful. I hope you enjoy them too.

🧭 Redefining Your Purpose in the Wake of the Pandemic. In conversations with many clients from all over the world in these past two years, I have found that one "upside" of the pandemic has been that many, if not most, people have gone through some sort of existential crisis, taking some time to reflect on the meaning, direction and purpose of their lives. This is obviously a bigger topic than this article can cover, but it does provide a starting point. 

📏 The Imperfectionist: The reverse golden rule. Admittedly, after reading Oliver Burkeman's book, 4000 Weeks: Time Management for Mortals, I've become a bit of a groupie for everything he writes... This is a brief and worthwhile tidbit from his newsletter.

❤️‍🩹 Ann Patchett: Behold, These Precious Days. Perfectly delightful conversation about writing and what it means to be friends through suffering. Take the time to listen to it. 

💰 Are you middle class? Use this cost-of-living calculator and map to find out. Admittedly, these sort of things are too fun. Take a spin with Family Budget Calculator and the Family Budget Map. Make sure you zoom in on the Family Budget Map to do some comparisons. WOW. Scary as it might be, it certainly is worthwhile to get a gauge of how you are situated economically. And while you're at it, read this random U.S.A. fact of the day regarding the change in population in America's ten largest cities between 1950 and 2020. 

⚓️ Endurance: Shackleton's lost ship is found in Antarctic. I have been a huge fan of the Shackleton expedition for years. The story of the entire experience is utterly spellbinding (this is my favorite account of it) and a remarkable study of #leadership. And now the wreckage has been found, 100 years to the day of Shackleton's funeral. Make sure you watch the short video of the wreckage on this link. The story is one we may need to be reminded of as we persevere through seemingly endless challenges....

Thanks for reading. Feel free to pass it along to someone you know. And send me feedback or questions at kelly.soifer@ksleadershipdevelop.me.

July 2020: The Self-Care Edition

I felt some sort of tectonic shift on July 1. I spent time reflecting on how we had just finished the first half of 2020 and what an incredibly difficult and weird time that had been. I wanted to hit restart and move in a different direction. So the conversation I'm having on repeat these days is about how I'm learning to shift from a sprint to a marathon mentality. In other words, when quarantine kicked in near the end of March (WOW, that feels forever ago!) I hunkered down and just pushed hard through sheer adrenaline. This was a new experience, and we all figured it would last just a few weeks, right?

But here we are some four months later, and we ALL need a new plan. I've had experience getting through crises ~ after all, given where I live in California, I've had to evacuate three times since 1990 due to wildfires and I've survived multiple earthquakes. I've also navigated through the suicides and terminal illnesses of those close to me. But this is different. As I've said to several clients, it feels like a slow-motion car crash that never ends. And we all cannot just keep hunkering down. We need to pace ourselves -- this looks like it might last awhile.

So I've been focusing on 5 key questions with clients:

1. Are you sleeping at least 7 to 8 hours per night?
2. Are you getting exercise at least 4 days a week (PS are you getting outside?!)
3. Are you eating intentionally and in healthy ways?
4. Are you seeking consistent social support? (which is no joke under current conditions)
5. Are you pursuing some sort of spiritual practice? It could be meditation, prayer, yoga, circular breathing, journaling...

If you're like me, you've read enough about how to work from home. Now it's time to dig deeper and get more creative about how to not just survive this year, but find new ways to live. Here are some resources I've been passing along to others.

Boundaries. As the various parts of our lives now seem to live in the same place, it is becoming all the more important to learn how to set some healthy boundaries. One of the very best resources over the years has been the simply-titled book Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend. But if you are looking for some short and sweet articles on how to start living out boundaries in practical ways, go to the link at the start of this paragraph. The authors have a great little blog with a bunch of solid articles there.

Managers, Encourage Your Team to Take Time Off. Sure, this article is addressed to managers, and if you are one, take it to heart! But you also may need to advocate for yourself. My friend just took a 4-day, socially-distanced camping trip to get her head and heart cleared after a really difficult few months. Most likely, many of us are mourning the loss of cherished vacation plans this summer. Nevertheless, it is not healthy for us to forgo a break entirely. Employers are finding that workers are actually surprisingly productive as they work from home, but this also means they are not taking some much-needed breaks to unplug and recharge because it feels so complicated.

This article has some valuable ideas for how to be creative in stepping away. I like this quote:

When working from home, encourage your employees to consider “vacations” as tools for focused family time, caregiving, and self-care. Down time is likely to be devoted to supporting good mental health rather than recreation or travel.

The Agile Family Meeting. If you only have time for one article as you scroll through this post, make it this one. It is REAL and PRACTICAL, and touches on something I haven't read many other places. Rather than focus on the very valid difficulties of no school, few childcare options, and parents juggling work and family this summer, this article gives us a truly effective plan. Do not pass this up.


Final Quote. 

“Real leaders” [are] people who “help us overcome the limitations of our own individual laziness and selfishness and weakness and fear and get us to do better, harder things than we can get ourselves to do on our own.” 

David Foster Wallace

Thanks for reading. Send me questions or feedback to kelly.soifer@ksleadershipdevelop.me. May your second half of 2020 be... better :) 

May 2020: COVID Conversations...AKA Every Good Resource I've Found So Far

Up till the last two months, the bulk of my work has been in leadership development and management training. Yet since the coronavirus has taken hold, my consultations have been more focused on helping people develop effective coping strategies both professionally and personally.

Admittedly, everyone and their brother is giving advice these days. We are not even sure when all this will be over, and what life will even look like at that point anyway. So I hold on to these recommendations a bit loosely ~ nevertheless these are the resources I have used for myself and with clients in the last month and they have been helpful.

15 tips for sharing parenting duties and workspaces during COVID-19. This comes from someone I've recommended before ~ Gretchen Rubin. One podcaster calls her The Swiss Army Knife for Happiness. This link is flat out practical and down-to-earth. OK, while I'm at it, here's another SUPER HELPFUL one she posted recently on really effective tips on sleep.

How to Combat Zoom Fatigue. I had a "V-8 moment" when I read this from the article: "Finally, 'Zoom fatigue' stems from how we process information over video. On a video call the only way to show we’re paying attention is to look at the camera. But, in real life, how often do you stand within three feet of a colleague and stare at their face?"

A New Way to Mourn. Please, please if you only look at one thing from this post, let it be this. This was achingly beautiful and poignant. I cannot recommend it enough.

A Plan to Safely Reopen the U.S. Despite Inadequate Testing. I have had multiple conversations with high-level, executive leaders who are struggling with how to define the specifics of what it will mean to open up again. While each state will have different rules, all of their standards will not be granular enough to equip each type of entity. This brief and clear article, authored by 7 experts, comes from reliable sources at Harvard Business Review and Harvard Medical School, among others.

How to Recover When Your Career Gets Derailed. I loved this quote: "Don’t underestimate how flattened you are after a career debacle. Give yourself time to recover, gain perspective, and, simply, rest." From a huge transition I had to make during the 2009 financial downturn, I completely concur. Do everything you can to simplify your life and make it possible for you to not have to rush into the next decision.

Podcast Faves. These have bubbled up in new forms since we've gone into quarantine:

• Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel. OK, I am cheating a little bit in this one because it has existed for a couple of years. But she is doing a new series about couples under lockdown that is stunning. Just listen.
• Sugar Calling with Cheryl Strayed. She interviews her favorite authors and asks them for advice as to how they are coping. 
• Terrible, Thanks for Asking. I probably like the title of this more than anything, but wow it has some stellar episodes. There was one in March titled "9 Things" that is UNBELIEVABLE.

Virtual Museum Tours. Last but not least, please please check these out. Better yet, run them through AppleTV or whatever gizmo you've got and drink 'em in. 

• The Louvre in Paris;
• The Sistine Chapel in Rome;
• The Metropolitan Museum in NYC;
• The Smithsonian in DC;
• Hungry for more?! Go here.

Please let me know if you find any of the above helpful... I have been reading a little of Mary Oliver before I go to bed each night, and this one has stayed with me:

Instructions for living a life:

Pay attention.

Be astonished.

Tell about it.

Reach out to me at kelly.soifer@ksleadershipdevelop.me. Feel free to share this with others. Thanks for reading.

WFH 2.0, Almost April 2020 Edition: Stages of Grief, Social Distancing, Shifting to Online, & Searching for Work

Oh friends... so many words. There is much that could be said, but I don't want to casually throw out meaningless platitudes or shallow sentimentalities. Rather, I will simply pass along some resources that helped me get through this month a little more easily. Please know I am thinking often about everyone I've worked with. Let's stay in touch...

That Discomfort You're Feeling is Grief. If you read nothing else on this post today, please read this. Simply put, it is poignant and powerful. It says all the right things about what it feels like to be living through this crisis. Save it and read it more than once in the next few weeks (months?). Pass along to others.

8 Ways to Manage Your Team While Social Distancing. Earlier this month I shared a resource that highlighted seven things to keep in mind while working from home. Several of my clients passed them along to their teams. Here is another useful article that is geared especially for managers and leaders. Here is the inviting introduction: "To help managers who are new to this – or even experienced managers who need additional guidance in these trying times – here are my best recommendations for supporting continued learning and the emotional well-being of your employees."

How to Shift to Remote Learning. I am well aware that there are so many articles flying around as higher ed instructors scramble to shift entirely to online learning for every local community college, private school and public university. But I found this article especially instructive. And even if you are teaching lower grades then college, I think there is some outstanding and applicable information to be had here.

Looking for a job during coronavirus? I have already had more than one conversation with someone who is looking for a job right now, either because they got laid off or simply because they had the misfortune of deciding to leave their old job right before this all hit. Where do they start? This link is a good place to start. And let's be honest, if you are at home with time on your hands because of quarantine, perhaps you should take some time to update your LinkedIn profile and resurrect your resume. If that rings true for you, I would go here first.

Unlocking Us ~ Brene Brown Podcast. I don't feel like I have to say much here. Just cue it up and listen. She has immaculate timing. This podcast could not be coming out at a better time. Please listen. And if you're looking for another good one, I would also download this one titled Terrible, Thanks for Asking. The episode from March 17 titled "9 Things" is extraordinarily good, but every episode is worthwhile.

Final Thoughts...

“Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives.”

Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

Please send feedback or questions to me at kelly.soifer@ksleadershipdevelop.me. And peruse more leadership development resources at KSLD Resources. Thanks for reading... and take care.

#ENDOFSUMMER Bits and Pieces

I feel like I just woke up from a bad dream... WHERE DID SUMMER GO?! In the blink of an eye I
feel like I went from eating grilled foods and nicely chilled drinks during lazy dinners on the porch to booking work projects in October and talking about Thanksgiving plans. YEEESH!

Despite my remorse and woulda-shoulda-coulda thoughts about those things I never got to despite well-laid plans, I still read and listened to some great stuff this summer that I want to pass along. I'm not sure there's a consistent thread running throughout these bits and pieces, but suffice it to say, they are ALL GOOD.

7 Ways to Show Emotional Intelligence During Job Interviews. This article is valuable in both directions... it certainly gives valuable tips to job seekers, but WOW is it a good list to keep in mind if you are interviewing candidates. I like this line regarding active listening: "Don’t give in to the urge that you have to answer the question immediately. Interviewers are looking for a thoughtful response, instead of an immediate one that indicates that you are giving them an answer that you have rehearsed."

How to Beat Mid-Career Malaise. I'd be lying if I said I never talk about this issue with clients. Let's be honest: MID-LIFE CRISIS IS A THING. It's not a Hallmark-card-made-up-problem, people. The struggle is real. I sure faced it about ten years ago and it really caught me by surprise. I especially like this article because when I finished it I thought to myself, "I wish I'd read this in 2009." Take the time to read through this slowly, perhaps with pen and journal in hand. The Do's and Don'ts at the end, along with the case studies, are very helpful. Don't skip this one.

Millennial Myths. OnPoint Radio, a reliable and often interesting podcast, offered a good discussion on many of the myths surrounding Millennials, inviting them to call in. This is an enlightening and helpful conversation.

Prioritizing: The Fine Art of Swapping. I would venture to say that I talk about productivity and prioritization with nearly every client. The opening lines of this article capture the anxiety I hear with nearly everyone: "Does your stomach start churning when you survey the avalanche of work waiting for you? Perhaps you let out a defeated sigh that first time you check your email each morning or power up your phone after a long flight. What are your most natural reactions to being overwhelmed? Irritable? Short-tempered? Intense? Withdrawn? Focused? Competitive? Retreat?" Take a breath and read through this to see if it offers any new ideas or tweaks.

Let me know if it might help to schedule a time to talk through any of these issues... or plenty of others! kelly.soifer@ksleadershipdevelop.me. Ciao for now.

Podcasts Post No. 2: There's no such thing (as writer's block)

I heard a recommendation for the new Seth Godin podcast titled Akimbo and thought I'd check it out. I'd seen some of his past TED talks and blogs and thought it might be thought-provoking.

As I listened to the first episode, I was definitely NOT taken with it. But I think it's always fair to give something another chance, so I listened to another episode titled, "No such thing (as writer's block)." This one  definitely got my attention.

Before I go any further, I want to warn you: The podcast is incredibly lean: no interviews, no music, few ads. Just Godin talking. And his delivery is a little awkward and slow. I feel like I'm listening to a former student who has a huge brain and sometimes has a hard time getting all that smart stuff out of his mouth in coherent form. But it does allow me to take in what he's saying.

As a former English major and editor and very occasional writer, the title of the podcast drew me in. He says writer's block is a privilege that writers (all creatives, really) claim that is not acceptable. He reminds us that plumbers don't have 'plumber's block,' after all, making his point perfectly! They don't get to say that they don't feel the ability to plunge a toilet or unplug a drain today. In the same way, writers just need to do the work, accept bad writing and imperfection, and keep going. Here's a succinct statement worthy of pinning to your wall:

"The work is doing it when you don't feel like it, doing it when it's not easy."

He goes on to describe the way to keep writing - by showing up every day for work and writing, regardless of whether it's good or bad. It's the discipline that matters. We have to write a bunch of really bad stuff to produce anything good. As the hilarious and winsome writer Anne Lamott says,

"How to write: Butt in chair.  Start each day anywhere.  Let yourself do it badly.  Just take one passage at a time.  Get butt back in chair."

Possibly the best part of Godin's simple advice is that it applies to nearly every effort under the sun. I won't feel like visiting that person in the hospital, but I will go. It's just the right thing to do. I won't feel inspired to exercise when I have 100+ emails still in my inbox and several projects approaching deadlines. But I desperately need to get my heart moving if I want to stay alive.

In a short amount of time, with some repetition, Godin really gets to the heart of the matter rather quickly:

"What writer's block really is, is a series of bad habits and fear, piled one atop another. It's fictional. We don't *have* it;  maybe we may feel it, but it's not who we are. We are not blocked; what we are is afraid." 

So I have tagged this one as a saved podcast, to listen to when I'm stuck, lacking in motivation, or... if I'm really being honest, AFRAID. As I've said to many others in leadership development, 90% of what you need to get done gets accomplished just by showing up. So forget about the excuses, and show up. (ending with a self pep-talk!)

Thursday Thinking 3-8-18

I came across these quotes this week that have really stayed with me:

Oscars 2018

"...with Coco we tried to take a step forward towards a world where non-white children can grow up seeing characters in movies that look, and talk, and live like they do. Representation matters, marginalized people deserve to feel like they belong and I hope that we made a difference and I hope it's just the beginning. Muchas gracias." 

This came from the acceptance speech Lee Unkrich in response to receiving an Oscar for Best Live Animated Feature, for the film Coco. I saw this film when it came out with a cross-section of Anglo and Latino friends, and we wept big soggy tears in the last several minutes, but with smiles on our faces too. I can verify that my friends of Mexican descent whom I sat with that night indeed cherished this rare opportunity to see themselves and their heritage celebrated so beautifully. Like Unkrich, I too hope it's just the beginning.

Advancing Women in Leadership 2018

"If you want to go fast, go alone; if you want to go far, go together."

Apparently an African proverb, this was quoted by Jo Saxton, a self-described "Nigerian Brit" who was a keynote speaker for this conference that I attended this past Monday. Saxton is a truly inspiring leader and a force to be reckoned with. I look forward to hearing more from her.

This quote captures so much of what it means for me to lead. Rather than try to go it alone, I have found it is always better to build a team and a community. I have often found this to be more possible with other women, who tend to want to lead collectively and collaboratively. The conference was a good day of content, networking, and encouragement. Plus I enjoyed leading two breakout sessions on mentoring in the 21st century.

The World's Deepest Problems

"What, after all, are the world's deepest problems? They are what they always have been, the individual's problems--the meaning of life and death, the mastery of self, the quest for value and worth-whileness and freedom within, the transcending of loneliness, the longing for love and a sense of significance, and for peace. Society's problems are deep, but the individual's problems go deeper; Solzhenitsyn, Dostoyevsky, or Shakespeare will show us that, if we hesitate to take it from the Bible."

This comes from J.I. Packer, and landed in my inbox through a daily email called "The Christian Quotation of the Day." I won't deny that they frequently fall flat for me, but occasionally a lovely one appears. I liked this one because I appreciated the way Packer plainly states the big existential questions of life, in a way that caught my attention. And I'm still left pondering his contrast between individual and society's problems: do I agree with him? Not sure.

Representation Matters

“I remember reading, Marian Wright Edelman, and she was actually writing about children, and it hit me, in relation to kids, and for women as a whole, where she says, 'you can’t be what you can’t see.' If you don’t see it, you wonder if there’s something wrong with you, something's presumptuous, something arrogant about you for wanting it in some way. I think women have a complicated relationship with ambition anyway."

Resonant with the first quote by Lee Unkrich, this was quoted by Jo Saxton (I know, the connections between my quotes in this post run amok) during a podcast interview with Jen Hatmaker that I listened to today. I really connected with Saxton's words regarding the contradictory messages that women receive regarding leadership. We are so often asked to be responsible for things, but just as often are deprived of the fruits of those efforts. And if we press forward and still ask for opportunities and recognition, we are often snubbed or shut down. I appreciated the dialogue of this episode and still hope for change...

What are you reading and hearing? 

Endurance

If you are in the mood for some edge-of-your-seat, outstanding writing, go directly to this recent article from The New Yorker called The White Darkness: A solitary journey across Antartica by David Grann. Make sure you have time though - it is the essence of long-form journalism, something for which the New Yorker is the gold standard. I read it recently on a flight from Phoenix to Santa Barbara, and prayed I would finish it before we landed because I was so gripped by it and did not want to be delayed in finding out how the story ended. Again, be warned: it is essentially a short book, but oh so worth the time. Online, they have supplemented it with some incredible extras.

I need to reflect a bit on this article because it was so. damn. good. It struck some sort of chord deep inside of me, and I am not sure I can say why. I do know that what initially drew me in was that the subject of the story, Henry Worsley, was obsessed with Sir Ernest Shackleton, the legendary Antarctic explorer. There was a time when I too could not get enough of Shackleton, reading South, his own account of the ill-fated Endurance expedition, and Endurance: Shackleton's Incredible Voyage by Alfred Lansing, even tracking down a museum exhibition somewhere that commemorated the journey with an incredible display of Shackleton memorabilia...

A large part of what drew me to Shackleton was his story of leading his crew through utterly unimaginable conditions, having to survive winter in Antarctica when their ship became stuck in the ice. At the time of my reading I was looking for ways to push through difficult circumstances (the untimely death of a beloved mentor due to ALS) and Shackleton's extraordinary perseverance fascinated (and motivated) me. (PS Grann's article for the New Yorker does a lovely job describing Shackleton's quest, and includes some stunning photos.)

Henry Worsley, the subject of the New Yorker story, seemed to be cut from the same cloth as Shackleton. As the article states, his motto was “Always a little further”—a line from James Elroy Flecker’s 1913 poem “The Golden Journey to Samarkand.” As a soldier he has served in remote and dangerous places, and even survived intense training for the Special Air Service:

After completing this part of the course, he was flown to Brunei, where he was helicoptered into a jungle filled with orangutans and cloud leopards and poisonous snakes. He had to survive for a week while eluding a band of soldiers tasked with hunting him down. The administrators of the course had eyes on the ground to observe him—to see what kind of clay he was made of. Later, he was subjected to an interrogation intended to break him. “You are beaten up,” one applicant told a reporter, noting that any vulnerability was exploited: “If you’ve got a phobia about spiders, they’ll use it against you.” Each year, only about fifteen per cent of applicants pass the selection course. Worsley was among them. 

I mean, really.

A good part of the New Yorker article describes Worsley's first trek in Antarctica, to mark the anniversary of Shackleton's trip. (Have no fear, no spoilers here.) It is spell-binding reading. Anyone else would have considered it their life's work to have accomplished what he did in that first journey, yet he started hearing "the lure of little voices" and decided to launch a second, solo expedition just three years later. This quote is given as a way of describing the reason why:

“Why? On account of the great geographical discoveries, the important scientific results? Oh no; that will come later, for the few specialists. This is something all can understand. A victory of human mind and human strength over the dominion and powers of Nature; a deed that lifts us above the great monotony of daily life; a view over shining plains, with lofty mountains against the cold blue sky, and lands covered by ice-sheets of inconceivable extent . . . the triumph of the living over the stiffened realm of death.”

Though Worsley's journey was outwardly far more impressive, the older I get the more I have decided that just living life is, on a smaller scale, a sort of "victory of human mind and human strength over the dominion and powers of Nature." Over the course of our lives we face trauma and tragedy, profound joys and paralyzing sorrows, both personal and global.

The question is not only how we will get through such things, but what we will become through the process. THIS is why I am fascinated by Shackleton and Worsley, and why I am always on the lookout for memoirs and biographies that give a glimpse into how some people are able to grow, even enlarge, through struggle. This isn't an abstract or philosophical quest for me; I genuinely want to know because as I have faced the death of those dearest to me and the betrayal of those I trusted, I have been sorely tested. When I have sat with people facing all manner of agony, be it suicide or divorce or cancer or disaster, I have been left speechless and almost dizzy with empathy. As I walk with people through these things, I find that I want to have more trail markers to follow. This life thing is really hard.

Today I came across some words from a book I read a couple of years ago called The Road to Character by David Brooks that helped me process the questions from Worsley's quest into sharper focus. He has a compilation in the back of the book that he titles the Humility Code - a list of qualities he gleaned from the various persons he profiled in the book. These qualities address some big questions that I feel are also addressed, at least obliquely, by Grann's examination of Henry Worsley: Toward what should I orient my life? How do I mold my nature to make it gradually better day by day? Brooks has a robust list of fifteen qualities, yet it is the last one that grabs me still the most:

Maturity is not based on talent or any of the mental or physical gifts that help you ace an IQ test or run fast or move gracefully. It is not comparative. It is earned not by being better than other people at something, but by being better than you used to be. It is earned by being dependable in times of testing, straight in times of temptation. Maturity does not glitter. It is not built on the traits that make people celebrities. A mature person possesses a settled unity of purpose. The mature person has moved from fragmentation to centeredness, has achieved a state in which the restlessness is over, the confusion about the meaning and purpose of life is calmed. The mature person can make decisions without relying on the negative and positive reactions from admirers or detractors because the mature person has steady criteria to determine what is right. That person has said a multitude of noes for the sake of a few overwhelming yeses.

People have asked me what I call the work I do, and to keep it brief, I've decided to call it "leadership development." That's the short answer. But if I have more time, or the person keeps probing, I try to venture into the territory described here -- I like to walk with people as they seek to mature. We cannot force people to do this. But if they decide to step out into the "white darkness" of life itself, it's nice to have a buddy. I'm so grateful for the privilege of getting to do that with many people over the years, and yet some days, it feels like I'm just getting started. As Worsley quoted, “Always a little further.”