July 2023: Halfway

Somehow we’re already at the halfway point of 2023! I have nothing profound to say about that other than time sure does fly.  

This post builds on that concept figuratively... are you "halfway" through your life? Career? Professional development? These resources might provide some "next steps" for your journey.

I've saved up so many articles, podcasts, and book recommendations that I may post again in a couple of weeks. Stay tuned -- and thanks for reading!

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🧨 Management Training for Those Who Need a Boost. Last month I posted info about a coaching bundle I offer to individual clients and got a good response. That is still available!

That prompts me to make a similar offer this month: If you are feeling a little stalled (or overwhelmed?) in your own leadership and management, I have coached other clients in these competencies. You can access them from me through a “Coaching Bundle” where I offer 6 one-hour sessions to individuals for $500, which means you get one free session 👏🏽 The 6 sessions include:

• The Leader as Coach: How to not just solve the issues that your team brings to you, but instead develop them as self-sustaining leaders.
• How to Have Difficult Conversations: I recently read that managers use up to 40% of their time on managing conflict between people or within processes. In other words, difficult conversations are inevitable -- how can we have them productively?
• Managing Oneself: How to develop yourself professionally and sustainably throughout their career.
• Career Planning: How to coach your direct reports in career advancement and professional development
• Developing Resilience: Resilience is about recovering from setbacks (as opposed to burnout).
• Building Psychological Safety on your Team. How to help your team learn to speak up, participate and advocate for themselves.

If these don't "scratch where you itch" but you feel like you need a boost regardless, set up a complementary 30-min appt with me to talk over what you need.

📝 How to Describe Your Work Experience on Your Resume.  I often work with my #coaching #clients on their #resumes. One of the biggest struggles is figuring out how to describe their #workexperience. Here are some ideas to 🍯 stir the pot. HOT TIP: keep your resume up to date on a regular basis. That way, if an opportunity comes your way, you will be ready to apply.

𝟮𝟴 Questions to Ask Your Boss in Your One-on-Ones. The response of a C-Suite client with many direct reports says it all: "I LOVE this article!!" It is worth its weight in gold, especially if 1:1’s with your manager are lacking a little energy. It also equips you to effectively manage up with your supervisor, which will get their attention over time.

⏳ Is It Too Late to Start Over? I cannot recommend this podcast episode enough! It is as if they recorded several of my coaching conversations with clients who are contemplating a career pivot. Everything advised in this episode is stuff that I have recommended to clients. Take time to listen to this one.

🙋🏽‍♀️ 🧠 Women & Autism. Listened to an excellent #podcast interview of Katherine May, an author who figured out she is #autistic as an adult. I recommend it highly. And as I mentioned last month, don't miss this great article by Temple Grandin in a similar vein, When Great Minds Don't Think Alike. I continue to have conversations with multiple clients about their discoveries in later adulthood of ADHD, Autism, OCD, etc. LOTS to learn here. #neurodiversity #women

📖 From Strength to Strength by Arthur Brooks. I just finished this book and really enjoyed it. In the past few months I have had multiple conversations with people ranging in age from early 40's to late 50's who want and need a change professionally and yet feel somewhat paralyzed as to where and how to start figuring out what might be next. (Go back to that Halfway sign at the top!)  This book captures much of the "why" behind all of those feelings, and gives language to it all. Additionally, here is a podcast interview of the author that was published when the book came out, that might give you a sense of what he expands upon in the book.

Again, MANY thanks for reading. Feel free to forward this to someone you know, and send questions and feedback to me at kelly.soifer@ksleadershipdevelop.me. 

December 2022: Gearing Up for What's Ahead

I cannot say that I will miss 2022. It was a rough year for a lot of people: more COVID, Mpox, RSV, war in Ukraine, layoffs, inflation, political tensions... for me, it was dominated by a severely broken ankle in May from which I am still recovering. The word of the year is apparently gaslighting. Bleah. My personal word of the year is physical therapy. Bleah again.

Sadly, we felt the same buh-bye feelings about 2021... 2020... so I'm cautiously (skeptically? tentatively? desperately?) optimistic for better news in 2023. In the meantime, I encourage us all to do some reflecting in these dark, cold winter days. I find it so important every year to take some time to pull the lens back and look back over my calendar, my journal, and world events in the past year and get my bearings for the one to come.

So my first recommendation builds on that idea, and then I throw in some other ones that sparked conversations with clients and fodder for new presentations. Tell me what you think!

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✍🏾 Journaling Prompts. As I have shared more than once here, I am a massive fan of journaling. Personally, I use Evernote, having given up on writing things down years ago because I ran out of room in my condo to store all the #@(#& journals. But I also found, in talking with many clients, that they often have earnest desires to journal but are quickly stalled with the pressing question of "What do I journal about?" So here I am with a multitude of prompts, links and opportunities. And I want to put a special endorsement on the prompts I've collected from Esther Perel, a therapist who has intriguing podcasts and whose interviews I have enjoyed. I think these might be just what you need to spark some energy to journal on a deeper level. You may want to bookmark this journal prompts link because I update it relatively regularly. Just do it!!

😡 What is Emotional Labor? I find the correct concept of emotional labor to be very helpful especially when working with clients who are customer-facing. Across the board, I am hearing from those clients that interactions escalate quickly when there is any sort of frustration, and that they are not equipped to deal with the barrage of anger and antagonism. Furthermore, it creates massive stress because they are not able to respond in kind (nor should they). But that is remarkably taxing and that has caused some significant churn within the workplace – it feels like someone is always quitting out of exhaustion and frustration and those remaining are having to adjust to new people and more onboarding. Further content can be found here: The Concept Creep of Emotional Labor and The Power of Non-Anxious Presence. Bottom line: we have got to learn how to settle down interpersonal communication in every area of our lives: family, friends, colleagues, customers. Closing in on 3 years of challenging world events has worn us down and made us more reactive and less resilient. Let's work together in 2023 to regain some patience, generosity and civility.

🛑 Urgency Doesn't Exist. Frequent readers know I am a massive fan of Oliver Burkeman, who wrote my favorite book of 2022, 4000 Weeks: Time Management for Mortals. I stalk him a bit online and subscribe to his newsletter. This link on urgency was a great reminder. Please read the entire post (don't worry, it's not long), but may this little quote tease you: "The first and most obvious sense in which urgency isn’t what it seems is that virtually none of the things that generate that knot-in-the-stomach feeling are the matters of life-or-death we tend to assume." Exactly.

💬 Cringe quiz: Are you fluent in Gen-Z office speak? Gearing up to teach another course in January to college seniors, along with my work with some under-25 clients and heck, communicating with my 22 and 24 year old niece and nephew, I took this #genz quiz. Good luck! (PS I got 4 out of 6 right... but I doubt I really get it.)

☮️ Wellbeing at Work? I like this new trend toward #wellbeingatwork. Sadly, I am not convinced that it will continue though... Favorite quote: "The equation is simple: The greater the wellbeing of your employees, the greater the wellbeing of your organization. That’s not just good for your employees; it’s good for your business." #culture #employeeengagement

👯‍♂️ Body Doubling. This may be an unfamiliar term to you -- it's certainly new to me. But for my clients who are #neurodivergent, this has proven helpful. For those who might struggle with focus, self-motivation, or executive function (prioritizing), body doubling can provide some assistance in remaining on task. As the article states, "You can body double in person, over the phone, via video chat, or even through text. The knowledge that someone is 'present' and aware that you are doing the task is intended to increase motivation and follow-through." Sort of like studying with a reliable friend in college. Try it out?

I hope you and yours get some good space to rest and restore some sense of hope and purpose for the new year. Thank you as always for reading -- feel free to pass it along to someone else. Reach out to me with questions or feedback at kelly.soifer@ksleadershipdevelop.me. Buh-bye 2022!

October 2022: Reflect, Resolve, Remote, Recover

I found this illustration humorous -- of course in part because I am a devoted cat owner (shout out to 7 month-old kitten #Otisthecat) but also because I think we all tend to overcomplicate things. My hope is that this blog provides some hacks each month for you to help you wade through the noise and find some simpler solutions to complex issues. So here goes!

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🛠 How to Build a New Leadership Identity. I like this article because it captures some of the tension between transitioning from being an #individualcontributor to becoming a #manager and #leader. Do you have a "leadership identity"? If so, how did you discover and learn to define it?

⏳ Your Career Is Just One-Eighth of Your Life. Here are five pieces of career advice from a reliable source (Derek Thompson at the Atlantic - his podcast Plain English is also on regular rotation for me). Number Four on his five pieces of advice is the one I've especially taken to heart this year. And should you be in a reflective mood about your career and want to delve further, I also recommend this blog post, A Tale of Two Funerals. 

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If you find yourself at a crossroads professionally - you're hitting mid-life, you wonder if you're a good fit, you feel stuck... please go to my calendar and set up a one-time complimentary meeting so we can talk through your coaching options. I have just assembled a "coaching bundle" of various processes that could help you get started in a new direction.

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📉📈 When Success Isn't Success. I’ve had this conversation recently with a couple of people. I have found that an upside (perhaps the only one?!) of the pandemic has been that people have been drawn to the #existentialquestions of life – why am I here? what is my purpose? what is the meaning of life? This podcast certainly doesn’t solve those questions, but the conversation about it all here is very engaging.

🥊 Need Help with Conflict Resolution? I recently surveyed 75 of my clients, both past and present, and one of the things I asked was what specific issues do they need help with now. One of the most frequent responses I received was #conflictresolution. This article won't solve this struggle, but it gives some good baseline principles from which to start. #howtoargue #seektounderstand

🖥 Advice from the CEO of an All-Remote Company. I’ve worked virtually since 2010. I find that the reason #remotework is challenging is because we approach it the same way we do in-person work. Which makes no sense. I’m working hard to help leaders learn how to adapt effectively and think strategically in regard to working remotely. If you like this episode, you may find this article useful as well: 4 Myths about In-Person Work, Dispelled.

🤕 What's Your Grief? We experience all sorts of loss: the passing of loved ones; job loss; the end of a key friendship; the death of a treasured pet; even the disappointment of how much the world has changed since March 2020. This website is a good resource to get started on addressing your grief and loss, which has many layers of complexity. Here's a sample article: The Grief of Non-Death Losses. Additionally, here’s a podcast that provides a glimpse into counseling sessions on a variety of emotional issues: Dear Therapists.

What we do every day matters more than what we do once in a while. 

–GRETCHEN RUBIN

Great reminder that our habits and routines matter.

Thanks for reading. Please feel free to pass this along to others. 

I am in the midst of compiling some new training and coaching resources for clients after five years of dedicating my efforts full-time to KS Leadership Development, and would love to share them with you if you're interested. Again, just set up a one-time complimentary appointment with me at https://bit.ly/KSLDApptScheduler.  

April 2022: Endurance

Last month I noted that the intense nature of these last two years feel more like ten years on most days. Watching this horrific war unfold in Ukraine has only intensified the weight of the challenges we are seeing and experiencing. 

In multiple conversations with clients last week, I used the remarkable events at this year's Oscars (which already has its own Wikipedia page!) as a metaphor for what it feels like is going on everywhere: difficulties and conflicts seem to escalate to 11 immediately, which tells me that we are each fraying at the seams. We are exhausted emotionally, and now have little bandwidth for anything unwanted or unexpected. Given the content of what I am talking about with clients these days, I am certainly seeing that. My last recommendation for this month's post speaks to what we need to seek after as we press on.

With all of that in mind, I found these resources most helpful. I hope you enjoy them too.

🧭 Redefining Your Purpose in the Wake of the Pandemic. In conversations with many clients from all over the world in these past two years, I have found that one "upside" of the pandemic has been that many, if not most, people have gone through some sort of existential crisis, taking some time to reflect on the meaning, direction and purpose of their lives. This is obviously a bigger topic than this article can cover, but it does provide a starting point. 

📏 The Imperfectionist: The reverse golden rule. Admittedly, after reading Oliver Burkeman's book, 4000 Weeks: Time Management for Mortals, I've become a bit of a groupie for everything he writes... This is a brief and worthwhile tidbit from his newsletter.

❤️‍🩹 Ann Patchett: Behold, These Precious Days. Perfectly delightful conversation about writing and what it means to be friends through suffering. Take the time to listen to it. 

💰 Are you middle class? Use this cost-of-living calculator and map to find out. Admittedly, these sort of things are too fun. Take a spin with Family Budget Calculator and the Family Budget Map. Make sure you zoom in on the Family Budget Map to do some comparisons. WOW. Scary as it might be, it certainly is worthwhile to get a gauge of how you are situated economically. And while you're at it, read this random U.S.A. fact of the day regarding the change in population in America's ten largest cities between 1950 and 2020. 

⚓️ Endurance: Shackleton's lost ship is found in Antarctic. I have been a huge fan of the Shackleton expedition for years. The story of the entire experience is utterly spellbinding (this is my favorite account of it) and a remarkable study of #leadership. And now the wreckage has been found, 100 years to the day of Shackleton's funeral. Make sure you watch the short video of the wreckage on this link. The story is one we may need to be reminded of as we persevere through seemingly endless challenges....

Thanks for reading. Feel free to pass it along to someone you know. And send me feedback or questions at kelly.soifer@ksleadershipdevelop.me.

Crisis Management, Career Change and Counseling Needs in the Workplace: Oct 2019

Greetings! It feels like September blew by in the wink of an eye. I find myself in conversations with clients about year-end planning and I am slowly setting some 2020 dates in my calendar.  Yikes.

Before I get ahead of myself, I want to share some recent resources that stirred the pot for me and some clients.


Crisis Management 101. I shared last month that sometimes it feels like when I am not talking about how to develop leadership in employees, I am talking to clients about interpersonal conflict in their office. Often I am invited to assist my clients when there is a "crisis." More than anything, I try to remain a non-anxious presence to remind them that no one is bleeding and that "hair on fire" panicked leadership only worsens the anxiety in the system. This article builds on that in some ways, and provides a good baseline of reminders.

4 Ways to Manage a Needy Employee.  I loved the opening paragraph of this article:

These days, there’s lots of discussion about the importance of leaders being more vulnerable and creating psychologically safe work environments in which people can share their feelings. But what happens when someone takes that too far?

I am encountering this issue more and more with clients. Perhaps it is because some people do not have work/life balance, because work IS life? Also possibly, because I find that many younger adults are more free to share about their personal lives in the workplace. Regardless of the reasons, this article has some excellent reminders about how to manage that team member that over-shares and brings their stuff to the office. I found another brief (but good) article related to this issue as it pertains to maintaining professional distance.

6 Fears You'll Have as an Older Career Changer (and How to Overcome Them). I made a major career change at age 47. I discovered MANY things in that process. First of all, "mid-life crisis" is a thing! Secondly, technology is causing the workplace to change at an exponential pace. I had to learn new skills (video conferencing, 1099 income, "branding"?? to name a few...) and have walked friends through these changes as well. This article gets REAL about the many fears one faces in such a transition. Read it and pass it along to others.

Managing Distributed Teams. OK, so this one doesn't fit into the "C" words in this month's post, but it's really valuable if you work with others around the country and around the world, like many of my clients. It's only half an hour ~ set aside work for a brief bit and take notes.

Recipe of the Month: Traybake Chicken. This is for sure my favorite go-to meal in a pinch. Almost every vegetable possible can work.  I made it last night with squash, zucchini, onion, mushrooms, cauliflower and broccoli. The best part of that that all is that you only have the sheet pan to clean.

Final thoughts ~ on leadership.

“The leader is the guardian of unity. He or she must thirst for unity and work for it day and night. For this, the leader must not fear conflict, but rather accept it and strive to be an instrument of reconciliation: the leader must be in contact with all the different elements in the community, and particularly with those who are in pain or who are angry with the community.”

–Jean Vanier, “Leadership,” Called to Community

Please feel free to forward this to others, and contact me with questions or feedback at kelly.soifer@ksleadershipdevelop.me. Thanks for reading!

"Manage Up"? #confusing

We have all had bosses, right? As I reflect on the jobs I have had since I was 15, I realized that my first three supervisors were completely checked out on what I did. I do not recall ever receiving feedback for my work, except when I bungled something.

Then my next three supervisors were what I would characterize as poor leaders:

1. Allowed his personal life to impact his mood day-to-day;
2. Played favorites, and I was definitely not one of them;
3. Was never satisfied, and had a completely unrealistic work ethic by which he oppressively measured everyone else.

Somewhere in the midst of those experiences I was taught about managing up, and certainly tried to apply the concept to the best of my abilities.

Recently I had a #friendoftheblog ask me if I was ever going to follow up on a post titled 35 Things to Do for Your Career by 35 from April 27, 2018, where I mentioned that I could write a whole separate blog post on managing up (see tip #20). Once I got over the embarrassment of realizing I'd forgotten to do this, I got to work!

For the sake of adequate preparation, I thought I'd find a few pertinent articles to throw in for further reading. OH DEAR. I discovered that there are several interpretations of what it means to manage up!! Here is a sampling of what I found:

• The Muse: To manage up is to be your own advocate if you're getting work dumped on you by multiple managers;
• Wall Street Journal: To manage up is to go above and beyond the tasks assigned to you so that you can enhance your manager's work (which sounds a bit like sucking up);
• Forbes Magazine: To manage up is a practice that can get you in deep trouble rather quickly if misunderstood or misapplied - yikes!

I started wondering if I should wade into such treacherous waters... but then I found an article that summed up how I understand managing up: The process of teaching your boss how to manage you; effectively managing your relationship with your boss.

I would drill it down to something even more basic: DON'T WAIT TO BE ASKED. What do I mean by that?

The past is not the present. There are many times when a supervisor has been in the position that you are currently in. And back in the day, they had a certain way of doing things. So it would be natural that they would assume that you would accomplish those tasks in exactly the same measurable ways that they did it. However, technology may have changed, or simply your style and skills may be different, but you are able to get the job done effectively nevertheless. Rather than wait to be asked as to results or progress, I suggest that you regularly manage up and let the supervisor know how you are accomplishing a task or assignment so that the supervisor will come to see that there are new and different ways to get things done. It is crucial that you figure out the best way to communicate this information: email? quick pop-in to your supervisor's office? standing meeting? Slack channel? And make sure you are giving measurable results, not "things are going great!"

Be proactive! Years ago I read a book that had a huge impact on my work life titled 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. It's an oldie but a goodie. The overarching theme of that book is to learn how to be proactive, not reactive. Yet over several decades I consistently find that most workplaces still function in a very panicked, reactive manner. And thus managers feel overloaded or and want to just offload all the things that they can't get done, usually last minute (I fondly refer to this as "hot potato delegation"). Rather than wait to be asked to do something, initiate and manage up proactively with your ideas for projects and assignments that you feel best suited for and have interest in learning. Naturally, it can't hurt to anticipate which projects will be needed and if you offer to do them, that's a win for you.

Manage up with clients too. Perhaps it goes without saying, but it is crucial to remember that we not only work for our bosses, we work for our clients as well. And we need to manage up with them all the more. I have found over the years, especially working in the nonprofit world (primarily churches and academic institutions), that many people have very clear expectations of the services that we should be providing. But these expectations were often formed from their experiences 25 years ago and things have greatly changed since they experienced those things! So rather than wait to be asked,  I see it as my job and goal to communicate with them on a consistent basis as to what we can provide given the dynamics of the context in which we are serving.

Is this helpful? Feel free to add to the conversation. Email me at kelly.soifer@ksleadershipdevelop.me with your comments ~ if I get a few, I'll post more on this. Thanks for reading.

Leadership Lessons Learned from Laborers Leaving

Forgive my over-reliance on alliteration... I struggled to find a catchy title for this one!

Let me open by saying that I am NOT a Human Resources specialist. Any certification I've received in this realm comes from the School of Hard Knocks. But over the years (and especially in the last year or two) I've had several clients come to me with burning questions like:

• How often should I do performance reviews for my employees? And um, while we're at it, HOW do I do one?
• How do I fire someone?
• Should I do reviews for new hires? What questions should I ask?
• How do I motivate an employee to improve?
• How do I stop employee turnover?

In the world of #metoo and situations like the one Starbucks is facing right now, I will be the first to acknowledge that the whole HR world has gotten really complicated. In the past, Human Resources handled benefits and payroll, but was mostly available as a listening ear and a place to help mediate some sticky workplace conflicts. But now, most clients I talk to say that HR is so consumed with the administration of compliance and benefits that it has little to no time (or ability) to address the pressing questions I've listed above. This now falls to managers and leaders. And frankly, I think that is best.

Where do we start? Here are a few fundamentals I always make sure to ask:

1. CONFLICT. On a scale of 1 to 10, how well do you handle conflict? This is always my first question, and crucial to the conversation. I often find that situations are allowed to escalate to an unmanageable level before being addressed, which makes things all the more difficult to handle. I always try to have someone complete a StrengthsFinder assessment at the start, which really helps in assessing someone's capacity for handling conflict. And then I am able to coach them in the best ways to address tenuous and challenging situations sooner rather than later. Additionally, here's a quick article on getting a jump start on overcoming your aversion to conflict: Conversations When You Don't Like Conflict.
2. PERSONNEL FILES. Do you maintain up-to-date files on employees? This seems really basic, but I am always surprised at how often this gets neglected. In the hustle and bustle of daily office life, it is something easily put off for some other time. Yet it is imperative that managers and supervisors maintain up-to-date personnel files, and here are details on some best practices for how to do that. I would make sure to include significant communications through email that have been conducted as well. May I add that it becomes very difficult to let go of a difficult employee if you haven't maintained these files?
3. PERFORMANCE REVIEWS. How often do you conduct them? I am a huge fan of conducting 60- to 90-day reviews for new hires (letting them know at the outset that you'll be doing so). Let me know if you need help formulating a plan for that. I also heartily recommend that you conduct consistent performance reviews. However, we can all perhaps agree that the tradition of Annual Reviews feels rather useless, and has simply become an excuse for an employee to ask for a raise. This is a missed opportunity! Performance reviews can be a chance to develop your employees into leaders. But we must keep in mind that all research indicates that Millennials (currently aged 20-38, roughly) want more regular feedback in a much less structured way, in real-time. This may feel like additional work for the managers, but I find it also improves employee engagement to really commit to this form of leadership development - I recommend quarterly reviews, at minimum. Gallup is doing some good work in this arena. Here's a longer article, with my highlights to save you time! Re-Engineering Performance Management.
4. PIP. Have you ever done a Performance Improvement Plan? Sometimes I cut straight to the chase on this one. If you have never done one, it's time to learn! Here's an online article that I've used with a couple of clients. I like it because it takes the positive approach -- ideally, PIP's will help employees improve, rather than serve as a perfunctory step to cover one's behind in preparation to fire someone.
5. EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK. Do you even have one? I am WAY over my skis on this, but want to mention it. I know of resources to refer you to, but it is IMPERATIVE that your handbook be kept up to date -- everything is changing constantly, from online usage to dress codes to FMLA to harassment to so many other things, so cover your bases and schedule an annual update at the very least.
6. EXIT INTERVIEWS. Take the time to do these. In a time of low unemployment, I am hearing the woes of many employers - they are having a harder time than ever in keeping good employees. Glassdoor has written up a resource on how to conduct exit interviews that might be helpful. I'm hearing from some clients that they are gleaning useful data on how to tweak their employment numbers by doing this.

My goal with everyone I talk to about this is to encourage them to see these situations as opportunities to LEAD rather than as onerous burdens. If you want to create a culture of excellence, it includes paying attention to this. Let's get going!

Podcasts Post No. 1: You Need Help to Help Her

True Confession: I am addicted to podcasts. I will spare you and not give you the long list of podcasts I regularly listen to, but rest assured, it is my number one form of entertainment. I listen to podcasts when I cook, exercise, travel, clean... you get the picture.

Blame it on my restless mind, blame it on my Strengths Finder #5 talent Input, blame it on my nerdy interest in almost anything, but I never tire of gaining more information.

I'm going to introduce you to one I am especially impressed by called Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel, a Belgian therapist who specializes in assisting couples in relationships. She just started Season Two of her podcast, and it appears she may be taking things in a slightly different direction than Season One, where she gave us ten intense, often intimate episodes of actual couples therapy. Once I got over the novelty of listening in on someone's real therapy, I usually gleaned tremendous insights on how to counsel others. 

This first episode of Season Two is titled, You Need Help to Help Her. It focuses on a couple whose daughter is in profound, ongoing distress. As Esther says at the beginning, couples not only have their intimate relationship to maintain, they also have other relationships to manage, and this episode relates to their relationship as parents.

To describe the content of the podcast would be to give too much away, but I'm writing about it because it gets at the heart of much of what I talk about with clients when we are discussing interpersonal dynamics and conflicts, usually in the workplace. I try to do a lot of listening in order to understand all the different people and stories at play. As Esther said in this episode,

I think systemically. I think about problems in their context... not just what causes them, but what maintains them. How is the relationship system, how is the family organized around the problem?

This comes from a classic approach in therapy known as Bowen Family Systems Therapy that I learned in my one whole counseling class in seminary, Even though I only had that one class in grad school on counseling, it is something I have found profoundly helpful over the years, and I've tried to grow in knowledge and depth of insight as I encounter stress and conflict in groups.

Though this podcast pertains to family struggles, I have certainly found that similar dynamics can be in the workplace, where so many of us spend at least one third of our days! Dr. Katherine Kott describes it this way:

Applying Bowen theory to work systems has the potential to create transformative change as people become aware of hidden emotional processes in the system. Understanding these emotional processes through Bowen theory takes some of the mystery out of workplace behaviors that do not make logical sense. 

If you are experiencing any sort of dysfunction or dysregulation in the workplace, it might be worthwhile to start with Perel's podcast today, and then go from there in terms of understanding how in stress we tend to organize around the one Bowen calls "the identified patient," the one whom the system directs all of their anxiety toward as a way to divert attention from anyone else. It's pretty fascinating stuff!

Though tremendously complex and difficult, I have found it to be so worthwhile when groups invite me to help them work through the knotty dynamics of a system. If you want to learn more about family systems beyond Dr. Perel's podcast, I recommend starting with The Family Crucible by Napier and Whitaker. And if you are in the midst of an ongoing struggle with others at home or at work, take the title of Perel's podcast episode to heart: "You need help to help her (or him)." These things don't just go away. Find the help you need!

Stay tuned for regular updates on podcasts I like... there will be many, of that I am sure.