January 2024: Focus, Five Questions, and a Fun Book

I hope your 2024 is getting off to a good start. I just finished a two-week natural detox to reboot my immune system, this week I started teaching an internship course for the semester to fourteen undergrads, and I've gained three new individual coaching clients in the last two weeks. Other than trying to avoid Covid bubbling around me, I'm feeling energized. Enjoy my latest recommendations and tell me how you are doing.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

🥳 Word of the Year! This is a fun exercise I do every year and send it to my friends. Does it mean anything? Not really... but it's a fun way to spark some energy and creativity to kick off your new year. Give it a spin -- and if you don't like your first word, try again 😆

😱 The Dark Side of the Obsession With Focus. One of my favorite authors, Oliver Burkeman, author of my favorite book of 2022, Four Thousand Weeks, is back with more valuable content. Take 45 minutes to listen to this interview. I'm pretty confident you won't regret it.

​5️⃣ 1:1 Questions for the New Year. I got these from Lisa Cummings at LeadThroughStrengths.com. Answer these 5 prompts for yourself first -- they are clues to your top natural talents:

• I’ve always nerded out on these topics and types of activities:
• This comes easily to me, yet not to others (things you do or the way you think):
• I get a jolt of energy when I’m...
• I lost track of time the last time I was…
• Someone told me I’m good at...

THEN, if you lead a team at work, ​ask the 5 questions to each team member in a 1:1. Some of them will be tough to answer on-the-spot, yet get what you can in-person. Then have them come back with insights on the difficult ones. This will give you new ideas about what projects to assign each person in the future.

🧘🏽‍♂️ From Inner Critic to Inner Coach. I am so intrigued at how certain issues come in waves in my work with clients. Naturally, I'm speaking in huge generalities here, but before the pandemic, much of my coaching requests revolved around learning how to #lead and #manage. Then during the pandemic, the majority of my work centered on #stressmanagement and overall #wellbeing. Now, even though COVID seems to be showing up for yet another wave and there are two big wars happening, I'm finding that client conversations tend to be swirling around #career trajectory and #jobsatisfaction. I have more individual clients than I've ever had, and many of them are wondering what could be next... yet at the same time they are really hard on themselves and think they cannot compete in today's job market. If this sounds at all familiar, take a few minutes to look over this worksheet. Contact me if you want to talk about it!

🔭 Getting In Front of AI. I'm sharing this podcast episode as much as this particular contributor. I am consistently finding Ethan Mollick to be calm, reliable, helpful resource when it comes to understanding AI. When I randomly ask friends or clients whether they have been using AI, I'm finding that's it about 50/50 -- some are excited by it, others haven't tried it (and a couple weren't even sure what it is!). By no means am I an expert, but I have found it useful in a variety of interesting ways so far. Tell me what your experience has been.

📖 Getting There: A Book of Mentors. I started this last week and I'm enjoying it. Do I admire every single person profiled? Nope. But enough of them are worth learning from, and I always love a good story, to make it worthwhile. If you need a good reminder of how much life is "1% inspiration and 99% perspiration," and is also easy to pick up and out down in 10 minutes at a time, this book is for you.

Thanks for reading -- feel free to pass this along to a friend or coworker. And send me questions and feedback at kelly.soifer@ksleadershipdevelop.me. Onward and upward!

Need Coaching, Mentoring, Therapy, Career Counseling? Get the Lowdown Here

I had a friend once tell me that, based on the variety of articles I recommend, I must have very eclectic tastes. I took that as a compliment...

Here are two "eclectic" examples today, at least in terms of sources, but they revolve around the same general theme. The titles speak for themselves.

Mentors, Career Coaches and Therapists: Which One's Best to Help You Get Out of Your Rut? This one comes from an employment website geared for Millennials called The Muse. I found this to be a valuable article, especially given its target audience. If you follow my blog at all, I reflected on an article on April 29 regarding anxiety in today's college students from The Chronicle of Higher Education. In my experience, I see high rates of anxiety among post-college folks as well, so this is a pertinent conversation. I especially appreciate the ways the writer differentiates between the roles that mentors, career coaches and therapists serve.

I have experienced all three a great deal and want to add a couple of additional tips:

• MENTORING: I've mentored scores of students, young adults, interns, and colleagues who are in their first jobs. One key point she does not mention: it is the responsibility of the "mentee" (can we come up with a better word? I always think of a manatee when I hear mentee) to reach out to the mentor. In fact, I think it would be creepy if someone approached a young professional and said, Hey, can I mentor you? One more thing: while I am sometimes asked about how to address specific situations in mentoring, it is less frequent than coaching, and functions in general at more of a "10,000-20,000 foot" level. In other words, we talk more about large-scale issues, long-term needs and goals, where to get education and training, and so on.
• COACHING: I heartily wish there was another word for this besides "coaching" (yes, I'm picky about words!). Sometimes people ask me if I'm a life coach and I can't say NO!! fast enough. Rather, I work with people to help them work through professional concerns of supervision, management, hiring and firing, project management, productivity, organization, strategic planning, etc. But we will also get down to ground level by talking through meeting agendas, thinking through conflict resolution, and brainstorming. Coaching happens more frequently than mentoring. And as the article states, "[Coaches] also don’t have any conflicts of interest when they’re hired individually." Keep this in mind: the gold standard for coaches should be their capacity for confidentiality. Clients need a safe space to process.
• THERAPY: I've been in therapy a few different times in my adult life and I've provided "lay counseling" as a pastor to families and youth for decades. As a result, because of my background, I have had clients contact me beyond coaching and consulting when they have been laid off, experienced marital or parenting difficulties, faced illness or struggled with depression. Since I am not a licensed therapist, I try to function more a "first responder," listening and trying to assist the client in knowing what their options are. This was the weakest part of the article: while it does a good job describing the real-life challenges that people often face in the workplace, it gives very little insight into the most difficult aspect of therapy: finding a good therapist. I seek to maintain an up-to-date referral list, and stay apprised of who to contact for what.  If you think you might need therapy, try your best to ask a wiser colleague or medical professional for a referral. Don't just trust the Google. 

On to the next article...

Counselor or Coach? Remember how I said I draw from an eclectic set of sources? Here's an article on similar issues, but from a rather different source: the Inside Higher Ed newsletter. 

This one is a bit more focused on sorting through career issues than than the first one, but I found the writer's answers somewhat simplistic. It does do a good job explaining the role of a career counselor, and fleshes out a couple of things addressed in the first article.

For the sake of brevity, I will only add two things: resources I found incredibly helpful in my own career transition:

1. Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation by Parker Palmer. Though this comes from a faith perspective, it is very general and one can receive wisdom from it regardless of your beliefs. This book was a game-changer for me and I've recommended it to many, many others and received positive feedback.
2. What Color is Your Parachute? A Practical Manual for Job-Hunters and Career-Changers by Richard Bolles. This one is updated each year, so purchase the latest edition. It may give you just the shove you need. Very specific and practical.

Thankfully, I'm still mentoring young adults (in fact, I have lunch scheduled with one this week!), and I am currently coaching CEO's, academic leaders, pastors, faculty, denominational leaders, non-profit executive directors, and first-time managers. ALL of them are a delight to work with. Pursuing a career in ANY field in 2018 is tricky, given the dynamism of today's world. All I can say is, Don't go it alone. But seek after voices of expertise and wisdom rather than your friends. Let me know if I can help!

35 Things to Do for Your Career by 35

In the past two weeks I've landed on a new resource that I'm finding helpful in my leadership development work: The Muse. As Fast Company magazine states, "The Muse has become the definitive career resource for the under-35 set (60% of its more than 5 million monthly users are between 18 and 35) by focusing on work culture and hiring in a digital age."

They posted an article recently that definitely got my mind working as I scanned over their list of 35 Things to Do for Your Career by 35. Some of them are a bit much (#2. "Know Your Superpower" *eyeroll*) and feel like they were added to puff up the list. But many of them are rock-solid and I'd endorse them heartily.

Here are my Top 7 from the list:

• 4. Learn How to Delegate. One of the many things I work through with new managers is to understand that their job focus is shifting from tasks to people. Many new managers just try to work harder than everyone on their team and think they drag them along in their wake. Instead, they need to manage others in doing all the tasks by delegating efficiently and consistently.
• 6. Do Something You’re Really, Really Proud Of. As the articles describes it, "Whether or not it’s something you’ll be known for forever, something you get paid for doing, or even something you really want to do with your life, make sure you have something on your resume that, deep down, you’re really proud of." I'm thankful for several things I've gotten to do over my life, and have seen some have deep impact. For example, back in 1999, I listened to two students who wanted our youth group to start getting involved with the local Rescue Mission. We pulled it together, and after many stops and starts, learned how to build significant connection with folks living on the streets. Not only is this involvement still happening, but I was able to get another entire school involved after learning how to best do it. I think there has been great mutual benefit (certainly the students learned A TON) from this relationship-building and service.
• 9. Do Something That Really Scares You. Too often we live within self-imposed limits that really deprive us of deep lessons to be learned. For me, at age 31 I stepped away from very familiar ground with students who looked like me and waded into the lives of gang members. I got completely schooled! But it took me on a trajectory I'm still riding, and am so thankful for it.
• 10. Get Comfortable With Getting Feedback. Definitely not easy!! We all prefer pats on the back. But real feedback always makes me better. I just need to grow up and realize I will never be perfect.
• 20. Know How to Manage Up. This is something I always work on with clients. The article sums it up well: "In fact, being able to manage up—or, communicate with your boss and advocate for what you need to do your job best—is a crucial job skill." I could spend a separate blog post on this one, and may just have to at some point. We all need to learn how to speak up for how we are being assessed and led. But it's a fine art that requires thoughtful and strategic effort.
• 23. Find a To-Do List System That Works for You. All I can say here is YES!!!!! I probably work on this more consistently with clients than anything else. It requires ongoing attention almost every day, but it is SO worth it. It also leads to my last favorite on this list...
• 26. Know How to Manage Stress. I didn't start thinking about this until 6 years after I graduated from college, when I basically crashed from overwork and burnout. Stress management is absolutely crucial to living a meaningful and sustainable life. And everyone does it differently. I love helping people figure this one out.

For those north of 35 years old, which ones are your favorites? For everyone in the thick of building your 35, which ones are kicking your butt? Where do you need help?

Thursday Thoughts: Mentoring in the 21st Century

I was asked to provide a workshop for a conference on March 5, and I offered to make a presentation
on what mentoring looks like in the 21st century.

I have mentored trainees, staff, and interns for over 30 years, and I think there are some dynamics in our culture today that make mentoring particularly challenging.

Before I share what I think those dynamics are, let's recall the power of mentoring:

The delicate balance of mentoring someone is not creating them in your own image, but giving them the opportunity to create themselves. (Steven Spielberg) 

My job as a mentor is not to reproduce a mini-me; rather, my role to help someone discover who they are.

Mentors change lives, but students change mentors’ lives more. (Richie Norton)

I won't deny that a time or three that an intern has caused me to bang my head against the wall. But more often than not, I have been changed, refreshed, challenged, or encouraged by those I have mentored.

What I've found about it is that there are some folks you can talk to until you're blue in the face --they're never going to get it and they're never going to change. But every once in a while, you'll run into someone who is eager to listen, eager to learn, and willing to try new things. Those are the people we need to reach. We have a responsibility as parents, older people, teachers, people in the neighborhood to recognize that. (Tyler Perry)

Amen to that. The biggest job I face as a mentor is connecting with someone who is teachable and hungry to learn. The rest is easy.

Those are the plusses, right? I've found that there are some consistent minuses as well: those I've mentored can tend to time-challenged, and more than a little unorganized. They can be distracted and a bit unprofessional. But I still love 'em!

In 2018, what are some of the unique things we face today?

1. "Millennials don't want to be managed, they like to be led, coached and mentored." (Farshad Asl) I find that fresh college grads are not familiar with (or interested in?) hierarchies. Their worlds have been somewhat flat organizationally. Often they've called teachers by their first names or been friends with their parents. I find they won't respect an elder automatically, that's for sure. They are looking for more of a collaboration and dialogue than pure mentoring. No Mr. Miyagi, "wax on, wax off" business for them!

2. This generation of young adults are used to having their hands held (Hello Helicopter and Snowplow Parenting), so they are often used to things being done out for them. Let's not forget, this is the generation who grew up with the Google and Wikipedia. Or Mom filling out their college apps (yes, I've seen that firsthand). So their problem-solving skills are under-developed, their attention spans are limited, and they may not have developed strong work habits.

3. The entire world revolves around us now. Think of how individualized everything is - iTunes, In n Out, Starbucks, Spotify, Chipotle, Pieology, to name a few). Couple this with #2 above, and for some  young people, their parents and schools made them the center of the universe. So no one warned them that that is not how the world works! So it's not fair to be frustrated that they are self-absorbed.

What's a mentor to do?? I will save that for another post soon! In the meantime, give me your feedback.

Books, Balconies, Best Practices

I came across these useful resources last spring and thought they were worth reposting. Contact me at kelly.soifer@ksleadershipdevelop.me if you have comments or questions. Enjoy.

8 Ways to Read a Lot More Books This Year While it would be stretching the truth to pretend that I have not posted in 4 months because I've been too busy reading books, I will say that this article got me motivated to get more strategic in my plans to read. I've read four books so far in 2018 and am currently working through two other books. I won't ask for a show of hands for those whose ambitions to read outpace their actual accomplishments in this regard (guilty as charged!) but I did find that applying even a couple of pointers from this article was helpful... and I'll add another one he didn't mention: seek out friends who are equally motivated to read and keep each other posted on how things are going. Sure, this can get weirdly competitive if you're not careful, but so far I find myself motivated by my friends who tell me about what they're reading, and I do the same. Let's do this and prevent our brains from turning into mush!

(PS Those books I have read so far have been The Complete Enneagram by Beatrice Chestnut, Accidental Saints by Nadia Bolz-Weber, Gen Z by Barna Research Group, and Parting the Waters: America in the King Years 1954-63 by Taylor Branch ... which took me over a year to read.)

How to Establish a Meeting-Free Day Each Week Maybe your work life is like mine: a strange balance of focused deskwork, endless (ENDLESS) emails, and face-to-face meetings. The emails are always screaming at me, the meetings come and go, but I sometimes stumble in really carving out that ever-elusive "balcony time" for big-picture, strategic thinking. This article helps jump start that process if you feel stuck.

5 Questions Leaders Should Be Asking All the Time I also heard this guy interviewed on this topic, and I liked the simplicity and clarity of his approach. Leadership is not always about leading the charge -- often it's the mundane but utterly necessary task of getting everyone on the same page and working together. To be a good leader is to be a good listener... These questions help to take the conversation in that regard.

6 Things Every Mentor Should Do Last numbered list for today, I promise! One of my main gigs is directing intern programs. I have had interns since 1986 (gulp!) and have formally run intern programs since the mid-nineties. In all of that time, one thing has become very clear for me: the internship experience is only as good as the excellence of the MENTOR who trains the intern. All too often I have had supervisors who treat their interns as indentured servants, or merely want them around to observe rather than actually do anything. Though a little simplistic, this article helps clarify priorities and puts the responsibility where it should be. I plan on using this to set expectations with my next round of intern mentors.

Final thoughts...

I'm slowly working through a book of quotes by Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr as a way to maintain a long-term vision for justice and healing of the deep divisions in our world. This quote really hit me the other day:

“The nonviolent approach does not immediately change the heart of the oppressor. It first does something to the hearts and souls of those committed to it. It gives them new self-respect; it calls up resources of strength and courage they did not know they had.” 

(Martin Luther King, Jr)